Die-alogue Cafe

In times of sorrow and loss, the Christmas time that so many look forward to can be a time that others dread.  While many anticipate surprises and engage in gift giving, others would rather not anticipate anything other than that Christmas be gone – be over and done with.  When you lose someone to death, you don’t feel like celebrating.  It’s difficult to be thankful.  Holiday times are very stressful.

There is another way of looking at this event and a Blue Christmas or Solace Service is one of them.  We have attended a couple during December.  This post reports on a service held at the Uniting Church, Hamilton (Newcastle) 22 Dec 2014.  Steps in the service included lighting four candles under the theme of Naming the Pain or acknowledging the Sense of Loss  to help focus attention and allow for healing to follow.                                              The first candle reminded us of those we have loved and lost, allowing us to pause, to remember their names, their faces, their voices, the memories that bind us together;             The second candle helps us to transform the pain of loss, the loss of relationships, the loss of health, the loss of hopes and dreams.  We offer these losses up and seek to receive the gift of peace;                                                                                                                                        The third candle we light to think of ourselves – reflecting on the grieving, the sadness, the anger, the disbelief, the downtimes, the hugs, kisses, handshakes of family and friends – all those who have stood by us.  We give thanks for all the kindness and support;          The fourth candle is lit to give light to the flicker of our faith and the gift of hope which the Christmas story offers to us.

We had the opportunity to write a memory, to embrace someone nearby, to massage the hands of a ‘neighbour’ at the service, to light a candle of our own, to sit in silence and ponder on the words of song, to feel the emotion of calming music.  It was a special time. These events are not widely publicised, but for those who attend the sense of community is a source of strength to get them / us through this time of year that comes with ambiguous messages evoking mixed emotions. A Blue Christmas service helps us to manage our grief and get things into perspective.          A link that may be useful: http://www.clergyleadership.com/hope/blueChristmas.cfm

The Conversation is an independent source of news and views, sourced from the academic and research community and delivered direct to the public.  The Conversation is running a series on Death and Dying.  It was kicked off by Dianna Kenny, Professor of Psychology and Music at University of Sydney, on 27 October 2014.

In Stairway to hell: life and death in the pop music industry, Professor Kenny paints a rather sad and sorry picture of how the music industry gobbles up gullible young performers and treats them like commodities. She says: “Many of those musicians end up feeling suffocated, caged and possessed by their minders, exploiters and fans. And many end up dead.”

Alex Broom, Associate Professor of Sociology & Australian Research Council Future Fellow at The University of Queensland, on 27 November 2014, posted a piece under the title of: Before you go … are you in denial about death?   In a self styled question and answer, he asks: “So why is it so difficult for us to talk about death? One argument put forth over the last few decades is that dying is increasingly alarming in modern societies given the lack of rituals surrounding it. With ever fewer people holding religious beliefs, so the argument goes, there is a crisis of meaning around death and dying.”

It is a fascinating set of conversations and well worth a look.  Plenty of grist for a yarn around the BBQ or when looking for some stimulating conversation after dinner. Read one or the lot at: https://theconversation.com/au/topics/death-and-dying-series

Ross Gittins (Finding better indicators to read the health of the economy, SMH, October 11, 2014) writes that simply relying on the GDP (Gross Domestic Product) means we get a skewed and incomplete picture of all the transactions that take place in the running of the country.

The GDP is inadequate because the balance sheet is lopsided – it doesn’t have a debit side.  All transactions are considered credits regardless of how they came about. For example: take the case of two drivers crashing their cars: the tow truck business, the crash repair business, the insurance assessors along with the insurance premiums, the attending ambulance (in the case of injuries or death), or perhaps a rescue helicopter, the police investigation unit, the hospital emergency department, the treating doctors and nurses, the pharmaceutical prescriptions and in the case of death, the resulting funeral, are all considered good for the economy. It could be concluded that the more road trauma the better – jobs are created and products are sold that would not normally have been the case had there been no crash.

But this begs the question as to how many debits counted as credits, that are supposedly good for the economy, are good for the society? – especially when those who might be left with terrible injuries are ‘asked’ to suffer the consequences. There is no economy without a society, and quite frankly no society without an ecology.

Over the years we have come to the conclusion that in spite of the revenue and jobs associated with the tobacco industry, smoking cigarettes is not good for your health. We are collectively better off without this addictive product that has so many detrimental side effects – right down to passive smoking.

The medicalisation of our end-of-life phase and the commodification of death and disposal while good for the economy, are not so good for society and the ecology.

A number of studies are questioning for how much longer we can sustain the spiraling costs associated with dying and death. Reports are coming in from the UK, US and Australia about the prohibitive costs of keeping terminally ill patients with no prospect of recovery hooked up to life support machines. And following death, the rising costs charged to cremate or bury their deceased loved ones, let alone the prices charged for memorials.

Organizations like the US based Funeral Consumers Association (FCA) and the UK based Natural Death Centre (NDC) urge caution on the part of grieving families.

Be prepared with written quotes from at least three (3) funeral providers. Check if the provider is a small family concern or the shop front for a large corporate operator. Consider doing some or all of the funeral arranging.  There is no law stating that we have to hire a professional to conduct a funeral event.

The indicators to measure if we are getting value for money need to be transparent for all to see. It is about what we are counting – what we include and what we exclude.

Visit the sites listed in the Die-alogue Café links and keep an eye on the posts and resources. When an opportunity comes up to improve your death literacy, grab it. 2015 promises to be a good year for growing our knowledge tree.

“I have never met a single client who did not express a wish that they would like to live, as long as they were healthy, but under no circumstances were to be kept alive if they had deteriorated to a level where life had become unbearable.”

In, Reality bites at critical time, (Newcastle Herald, Business, 25.09.14) Noel Whittaker says there is more to fulfilling a dying one’s wishes than just the funeral arrangements. He goes on to point out that “Baby boomers don’t just face the challenges of building an investment portfolio …. they also have the problem of looking after the affairs of their aging parents.  Unfortunately it’s becoming a legal minefield.”

These are again urgent reasons for doing advance planning.  An Advance Health Care Directive, an Enduring Power of Attorney. Making sure they are readily available is also important.  No good having them stashed away in a safe deposit box at the bank, which is what happened in one case. House insurance is another matter to consider.  And what to do with property if/when the last surviving parent has to vacate the house to be admitted to a nursing home for months or maybe years?  As ever, getting good advise is vital.

At Die-alogue Cafe we recommend getting well informed before seeking professional help.  The net is a good source of information; there are some good reference books and there is perhaps family or friends who can throw some light on the subject.  Make the first meeting, information gathering only.  Don’t be pressured into signing up for something without getting a second opinion or another quote.  It is not a good idea to make decisions of this magnitude on the spur of the moment. And finally, baby boomers will do themselves a favour if they take the opportunity to get their own affairs sorted out at the same time.  It can be done too late, but it can never be done too early.

US surgeon Dr Atul Gawande questions modern medicine’s treatment of dying patients. In an interview on ABC radio’s The World Today program, Eleanor Hall and Sarah Sedghi, report that: Dr Gawande says medicine needs to understand there are more important things than extending life, such as giving patients options and support to make sure they have what matters to them most when they are approaching death.

“The most critical thing is those vary from person to person. For some people, depending on their phase in life, they just want to know that they are getting help so they’re able to be at home more than in a hospital,” he said.

“Or that they have some ability to be with their family or to walk a dog or to finish their own personal life project or get to a wedding that’s really important to them. The most reliable way of learning what people’s priorities are is simply to ask. And we don’t ask in medicine.”

The book is Being Mortal: Medicine and What Matters in the End and the story can be found at: http://www.abc.net.au/news/2014-11-13/us-surgeon-questions-ethics-of-treating-dying-patients/5888964

Dawn is playing dead on the bamboo trestle table. Claire is demonstrating the origami-stye folds needed to get the shroud neatly wrapped around Dawn with the sewn-on hand grips in the right position for carrying.  This was just one of the many demonstrations that took place at The Ideal Death Show held in Birmingham (U.K.), reported in a story by Tim Willis (Now for a New Undertaking… Welcome to the Ideal Death Show, Newsweek September 13).  Charles Cowling, author of The Good Funeral Guide and Brian Jenner are co-founders of the Show.  They have staged the event for the ‘progressive’ end of undertaking.   People like Poppy Mardall, who runs a no frills funeral business using a van painted with poppies instead of a hearse. Her philosophy is to cut her own costs as much as her clients.  She doesn’t have an office, or a parlour.  She rents mortuary space and a preparation room from her local hospital.

‘The way Poppy sees it, keeping the whole process of death and dispatch under wraps is in the traditional undertakers’ interests. The don’t-you-worry-we’ll-take-care-of-everything approach plays on people’s vulnerability and ignorance. “If someone implies that you shouldn’t be troubled by unpleasant and unnecessary stress, you’re much less likely to realise that getting involved in a funeral can make it more meaningful, more cathartic and less upsetting,” she says. “There is no ‘proper’ way to do it, only what seems appropriate in the circumstances.”‘

And that’s the message of the Ideal Death Show. To look beyond the modern 20th century’s hands-off approach.  There’s a move for midwives to be trained in preparing corpses – as in olden days; there’s pressure for a consumer-rights body; and there’s warmth and good humour in the new wave of funeral providers.  See the full story at: http://www.newsweek.com/2014/09/19/now-new-undertaking-ideal-death-show-269816.html

The lifetimes we live between our beginnings and our endings is extremely important.  We think that this story contributes to that conversation.

James Adonis reports on the benefits of grandparents being involved in the raising of children.  Solved: free childcare! (SMH September 19 2014)  concludes that working parents, often seen as the ones who benefit the most, are not the only winners. The children and grandparents are big winners as well. He goes on to say …

“Even the human race benefits. Quite a lot. There’s a whole body of research supporting something known as the ‘grandmother hypothesis’. The theory suggests humans live longer than apes because of the role grandmothers play in caring for their grandkids, which frees their daughters to have more kids, thereby prolonging the survival of strong genes.”

So, a summary so far. Working parents, their children, and possibly the human race are all winners. But let’s get back to grandparents. What benefits, if any, do they derive from looking after their kids’ kids?  For the full story go to: http://www.smh.com.au/small-business/managing/blogs/work-in-progress/solved-free-childcare-20140919-3g2u0.html#ixzz3EHLmOxQ2   Follow on Twitter: @jamesadonis

When in Melbourne (Australia) check if there is a performance of Two Mortals anywhere around the traps. The website is a beauty.  Click on the About tab to read:

Mortality is something we all carry around with us. Often the conversation we have regarding it is with ourselves, or quietly to a trusted friend. With delicacy, cheekiness and wit, Two Mortals investigates: ‘how can we talk about death, and if we could, would it enrich our lives?’

In an attempt to illuminate one of the hardest topics, Two Mortals uses headphone verbatim (pioneered by Roslyn Oades) and integrated sound composition to create a tapestry of voices, opinions and insights into how we face mortality.

‘I think the only thing worse than death, is the thought of wasting all your non-dead time obsessing over it’   – posted by Heatherann at 4:14pm

For details including a couple of videos, visit: http://www.twomortals.com/

World Suicide Prevention Day asks that we make contact with someone who may need little more than a friendly R U OK? call to prevent them going over the edge.  In Better connections will save many lives, Jaelea Skehan, Newcastle Herald (9.0914) “encourages people to reach out and connect – with their community, with services, with people.”  “Our connection to others is what builds us up and keeps us strong.  Having people sit beside us when times are good and when times are bad can make all the difference.” For more information on how to ask R U OK, visit http://www.ruok.org.au.  For more information on how to talk about suicide, visit conversationsmatter.com.au.  Read the full story at: http://www.theherald.com.au/story/2547935/suicide-research-in-practice-better-connections-will-save-many-lives/?cs=308

Today is one of those days when we can if we chose, pause for a moment to consider our blessings and express our gratitude. A couple of items come to mind:

1.The Death Literacy Conference held on 6th September at Parramatta (western Sydney) was an outstanding success.  Not just because it was well attended but because of the quality of the keynote speakers and content of their presentations.  The opportunity to network and share added to the significance that will multiply the impact way beyond the 6 hours spent engrossed in the detail embedded in the shared wisdom.  Next year it is to be held in Melbourne. For more go to The GroundSwell Project website.

2. Father’s Day highlights the need to acknowledge the dad’s who are doing their best to be a role model for their children. Putting aside the commercial hoo hah that seems to encroach on these days of celebration,there are many ways we can say thanks and express our appreciation for their contribution to our family life.  We also note that today there is a Father’s Day Games in Newcastle.  Will there be a Mother’s Day Games next time around?

3. Steel Fitchett writing in the Newcastle Herald (6 Sept. 2014) says that Dealing with pain (is) a step forward for men..He says: “Recently, there was a program on TV where men got way out of their comfort zone to talk about how destructive it had been for them trying to hide how they really felt.They had all been depressed and, at times, suicidal. They all agreed that it was so easy to say “I’m fine” when there was someone inside screaming to have a voice. The atmosphere changed totally when one man said: “I didn’t want to die, I just want to stop the pain.” Everyone there agreed.  I am so aware that we men are undergoing a very significant change with how we are dealing with internal pain.”  Read the full story at:  http://www.theherald.com.au/story/2539975/opinion-dealing-with-pain-a-step-forward-for-men/