Die-alogue Cafe

The mind is a mighty powerful part of us humans. What we feed it can impact on the living and the dead.

This is increasingly the case as we straddle the disparate beliefs held within families today.

Whereas once upon a time we were predominantly church going folks, not so today.  Whereas once we married within our faith community and in some cultures still do, this is becoming less so.

While much of this change frees us from the straight jackets of dogma and rigid adherence to hierarchical ways, for those who break away from these institutional ways, it can also lead to fractures within and between families and friends.

Such are the times we now live in.  This story by Monique Ross: Funerals can cause tension between the living and the dead, so whose beliefs matter most?   (ABC Radio National Life Matters, 24 Jul 2018) tells us to tread carefully when it comes to matters of honouring our loved ones dying wishes.  It also reinforces what we have often said: funerals are for the living – in reality how can it be any other way.

It can be a difficult question to answer, especially for families who disagree about the role religion should play in the send-off of a loved one, Ross reports. Tension over whose beliefs matter the most can blow up into lengthy feuds — and sometimes results in the wishes of the dead being cast aside entirely.

Interfaith minister CiCi Edwards-Jensen recalls meeting a man in palliative care, who had grown up Catholic but later converted to Buddhism. His family knew he wanted a Buddhist funeral, but when the time came, they organised a Catholic one instead.

“I see on both sides how tearing that was — for him the sadness of not being able to have the funeral that he wished, and the other with the family steeped in their Catholicism, not seeing their son have the last rites, and perhaps them believing that he won’t be going to everlasting life,” Reverend Edwards-Jensen said.

It’s a juggling act if ever there was one.  Another way of putting it is, navigating funerals of faith through the narrow straits before entering the calmer waters of a safe harbour. This assumes there is a spirit of goodwill between all the parties.

‘When it comes to ensuring a funeral works for the living but also respects the wishes of the dead, the key word is compromise,’ observes Ross.

Interfaith funerals, which include elements of different religions and spiritualities, can be a good solution. “Times have changed, we have a much more inter-faith society now, with so many different populations… and blending of relationships.”

End of life planning when done early offers our best hope for getting things sorted and reducing conflict. At least if it can be acknowledged that funerals mean different things to different people – it’s a start to reducing tension.

For those who say ‘I don’t want a funeral, just bury me, don’t give me any fanfare’, expressing this wish puts it on the table.  It also lets those family members who need to have a funeral, an opportunity to farewell and honour their loved one as best they can.

As with advance health care plans, it’s about having the all important conversations.  It’s a funny thing.  We can discover new things about ourselves and about what we believe and how we express those beliefs, right to the very end.

Read the full story at: http://www.abc.net.au/news/2018-07-24/funerals-of-faith-when-the-dead-and-living-disagree/10004010

We can always improve on current practice, be it in the ways we prepare for our ending – medically speaking, or arranging our departing – funeral speaking.  Having said that, we are pleased that we don’t have hard line bureaucracies to contend with, which is the case for thousands of Chinese families right now.

ABC News journalists Michael Walsh and Jason Fang  report that ‘Authorities in China’s south-east have confiscated, destroyed, and even exhumed coffins in accordance with a controversial “zero burial” policy, according to local media reports.’

In   ‘Barbaric’: coffins destroyed, seized as Chinese province executes hardline ‘burial-free policy’ (ABC News, Thursday 3rd August 2018)  Walsh and Fang report that:

• Officials confiscated more than 5,000 coffins last month;
• Some rural families have to save for years to buy the coffins;
• Footage on Chinese social media showed authorities using force to seize coffins.

The Jiangxi Provincial Government wants locals to only cremate their loved ones’ remains, but poor families in rural areas of China often spend a fortune saving up for coffins and expensive burial rituals.  Families who voluntarily gave up their coffins received compensation, but those who resisted received no money and could even face fines.

Reports from earlier this year suggested the amount in compensation was less than what many paid for the caskets.

Let this be a reminder to us that what should be a simple returning to mother earth either by the decomposition of our mortal bodies in a burial or by incineration and vaporisation of our remains in a cremation (or by dissolving as in aquamation, or by composting as in recomposition), it is only culture and tradition that govern our choices.

In the great scheme of things it wasn’t all that long ago that the shroud was common. When coffins were first introduced they were community owned and in many cases the possession of the local parish church.  It was a one size fits all. Regardless of status the coffin was draped in the parish pall – hence pall bearers.

So why not rewrite the rule book (if we have to have a rule at all) and revisit these not so ‘ancient’ traditions.  We might find it less competitive, easier on the purse or hip pocket and kinder to our earth mother, all at the same time.

If notions of a ‘good death’ are personal and subjective, then the only way to communicate what it is we would like to take place come our ending of day, is to talk about it. And keep talking about it. Seems this is easier said than done.

Anna Kelsey-Sugg, writing for ABC Rational National (The doctors who think it’s become too hard to die, Saturday Extra program, 28 July 2018) reports that we need to start talking and keep talking, about our end of life wishes.

‘Two intensive care specialists believe that much more discussion and collaboration needs to occur between patients, medical experts and families, in order to plan for a loved one’s death. They are concerned that the personal wishes of the dying may not be prioritised, especially if plans or their wishes have not been made clear to family beforehand,’ says Kelsey-Sugg.

Professor Ken Hilman, an Intensive Care Specialist at UniNSW and author of A Good Life to the End, taking control of our inevitable journey through ageing and death, says: the desire to keep sick people alive for as long as possible is reinforced by doctors who are “programmed to make you better”.

“Doctors hate saying, ‘I can’t do anything’. We’re curers, healers, miracle workers,” he says. The outcome is that it’s hard for us to recognise when a life is better left to end. “Half of the patients in my intensive care unit are in the last few days or weeks of life. Most of them are older people,” Professor Hillman says.

“One of the things that I find interesting, and I can only talk about the elderly and frail in this context, is that most of these people understand that they’re coming towards the end of their life.”

Advanced Health Care Planning is the document that speaks to all the stakeholders come end of life. BUT … rather than being a plan full of “ticked-boxes”  it needs to set out what an individual person wants.

“It’s more saying, under these circumstances I would like little or no treatment,” Hilman says.  For myself: “If I was doubly incontinent, if I was demented, if I was bed bound, if I had pain that couldn’t be treated — under these circumstances I would like no treatment whatsoever.”

Dr Charlie Corke, an Intensive Care Specialist at Barwon Health, Melbourne and author of Letting Go, How to plan for a good death, says medical practitioners also need to be honest with patients and their families when certain interventions might be futile.

“Doing the right thing at the right time is fantastic and doing the same thing at the wrong time is horrific,” he says.

Having a plan in place can help everyone — including doctors — act in the patient’s best interests. Advance Health Care Directives are the best way to get our thoughts down on paper.  They help us see in written form what we think.  If we like it, we sign off on it.  If we don’t we can make changes and update our wishes as we progress through the ageing continuum.  The best Directives are the ones that get reviewed as time goes by and get talked about with family and especially with our Enduring Guardian/s and Substitute Decision-Makers.

So what’s holding us back?  Fear? lack of practice?  We can’t practice dying but we can practice the language and become familiar with the process.  It’s called death literacy.  It’s not hard to learn.  There are wonderful people working in this field.  Each of us can become death literacy practitioners without very much effort.  Check out this link:  http://www.dyingtoknowday.org/death-literacy/

We have the encouragement of two respected practitioners to egg-us-on.

“When this goes well, what I see is somebody who’s set some very clear limits to what they wouldn’t want, the family are very clear about it and all agree with each other, and the doctors are given permission to not [intervene] and feel very comfortable it’s the right thing to do,” Dr Corke says.

Use the links here to read or listen to or download the story:  http://www.abc.net.au/news/2018-07-28/rethinking-our-approach-to-death-and-having-a-plan-for-dying/10014582       http://radio.abc.net.au/programitem/pgLGKre5O7?play=true  http://www.abc.net.au/radionational/programs/saturdayextra/what-is-a-good-death/10042700

Balloons have long been used as a party product.  Now we have them used as a parting product.  This report by Suzanne Medway (Balloons, Australian Wildlife, Winter, Vol 3/2018) is a wake up call for anyone thinking about how to commemorate the death of a loved one.  “What goes up, does come down”, says Suzanne.

Such is the story of our lives: what is born, one day dies.  Figuratively speaking, whoever is raised up, or blown up, one day lies down or in the case of a balloon, deflates and returns to earth, as we do.  “Balloon releases are becoming more popular at funerals as a visual expression of love for the one who has passed.  Releases are normally done at the end of the service to symbolise letting go of the loved one and letting the grieving process begin.”

It is what happens to them when they return that is a serious issue especially for marine life, since so many end up drifting so high that they get blown over the ocean and when they ‘land’ end up becoming death traps for sea creatures.

NSW has banned the mass release of balloons, Queensland has done the same.  Other states are yet to come on board. The Australian Wildlife Society is working with the Australian Funeral Directors Association to address the issue.  The sooner the better we think.  Protection of wildlife comes before humans getting a buzz out of sending party and parting balloon aloft.

There are alternative ways to celebrate a life without doing harm to others and contributing to the death of precious marine life.  Check them out on this website: http://www.onegreenplanet.org/animalsandnature/balloon-releases-are-killing-animals/

Look for alternatives like:
bubbles
paper tissue pom poms
candles, kites or pinwheels
flags, banners, streamers or dancing inflatables
flowers or planting a tree in memorial.

If the use of balloons is unavoidable:
keep your balloons indoors to reduce the risk of accidental littering
make sure any outdoor balloons are strongly secured
avoid using non-biodegradable mylar balloons (foil-coated)
ensure all balloons and accessories (like clips and ribbons) end up in the bin.

Read more at https://www.mouthsofmums.com.au/release-of-balloons-banned-in-this-aussie-state/#frlTaFWy4Ig6lWPz.99

We came upon this story while listening to Australia All Over with Ian McNamara on ABC Local Radio, Sunday June 24, 2018.

Norma Polese is from Italian stock and with her husband “Beepi” ran a restaurant in Sydney for many years.   Her funeral was held at St Mary Magdelene Catholic Church, Rose Bay on June 20th.  The reason for our interest is this Prayer read by Norma’s daughter-in-law Sheena – in this instance re-read by Ian McNamara:

‘For all the women and mothers who have supported their husbands, partners and families to fulfill their ambitions through sacrifice and compromise of their own potential, may they know their love and commitment is valued by their community and that women’s work is one of the most important labours in society.  Let us give thanks to all women and mothers who have cared for us as children and enabled us to flourish and to the wives give so much to their husbands to enable their success.’

Said Ian: “And I thought – you spoke a book Sheena, you spoke a book.  How true is that.”

The service was conducted by Tony Doherty, the soloist was Tanith Bryce, organist Kurt Ison.  The segment can be heard here – drag to the right and listen from 3:04:10 …   http://www.abc.net.au/radio/programs/australiaallover/australia-all-over/9881344

When dealing with dying and death is a part of your normal daily routine, it’s understandable that you work  out how to process those many and varied aspects of what is involved.  This story by Freya Peterson (Life after death: When dying is an ordinary part of your working day, ABC News, 14.5.2018) profiles three people whose jobs bring them into contact with dying and death on a regular basis and how it impacts their lives.

For crime scene photographer, Kylie Blumson, it appears to have resulted in a sense of detachment from reality.  At least this was the experience in the case of her mothers ending of days.  More immediately she says: “We can’t avoid death, or tragedies, or certain circumstances in life, but I think being appreciative of what you have right now, that mindfulness thing — being conscious of what’s around you — compels you to be the best that you can.”

“I’m constantly saying to my son, think about your decisions and the consequences. Don’t put yourself in that position. Be more conscious of the world around you and be aware that it can quickly be taken away from you.”

For Gemma Belle, a nursing home receptionist, she has welcomed and got to know people who are subsequently farewelled since as she says, these are not places that people usually leave alive.

“Grief is such an individual experience. I guess as soon as the residents come in the grieving process starts. It’s the end stage, they’re not leaving. People deal with that in such different ways,” she said.

Ms Belle says being able to talk about her work — with colleagues, friends and even her 7-year-old daughter — was key to coping with any stress or sadness arising from regularly occurring deaths in the home.

“I have explained to her a few times when I’ve been sad, about the fact a resident died. I think it’s important,” she says.  “In Australian society we’re quite separate from death, especially children.  The more you’re exposed to it in a natural supportive way, the better.”

Funeral celebrant Rod Pianegonda is disarmingly frank when asked to describe his frequent exposure to death.

“It might sound like a selfish thing to say, but when you see people on the slab, some part of your subconscious is saying, ‘How lucky am I that’s not me. I’m still here,'” he said.

“There is this realisation that I’ve been at hundreds of funerals …. and not one of them has been mine.”

Mr Pianegonda, previously worked for a commercial funeral provider for 10 years. He believes tackling the topic of death head-on not only helps people cope better with the loss of a loved one but can vastly improve a person’s attitudes in the time they have left.

This is a good news story about people who work in professions that most of us would shy away from: http://www.abc.net.au/news/2018-05-12/working-with-death-every-day/9604958

There have been copious books and articles written about how we should or should not behave come that time in a persons life when they are nearing  their ending of days. This story by Bailey Williams captures the essence of such times in five short segments (How to say goodbye,  Yes! magazine, Spring 2018).  If we have any doubts about whether or not we are doing the right thing, this uncomplicated ‘check list’ helps put our minds at rest.

If you’re not sure what to say …  Say what you feel;      If you want to feel close … do their favourite things;     If you want to feel connected … organise a ‘secular shiva’ ;     If you are afraid to say goodbye, remember … closure doesn’t mean forgetting;     If you never got a chance in person … write them a letter.

For the full story check this link: http://www.yesmagazine.org/issues/decolonize/how-to-say-goodbye-when-someone-you-love-is-dying-20180316

Package deals are all the rage these days. Whether it is furniture or travel or insurance, these are just some of the areas where customers are encouraged to buy more than they first intended.  The deals are sold on the basis of being good for the buyer whereas invariably they result in the seller walking away with higher profits.

This practice applies to funerals and permits undertakers – they like to call themselves funeral homes – to engage in upselling items like coffins and add-ons such as flowers, memory books and catering.

John Collett reports that “people who are grieving can fall prey to upselling and unscrupulous practices” in his story: ‘We bought an MDF coffin and painted it’: funerals can be dead cheap (SMH Money section, 20 February 2018).

Consumer group Choice produced a report in 2016 that questioned even whether many of us need the services of a funeral director.

Collett tells the story of “Gillian Maddigan who organised the funeral of her father … we bought an MDF coffin, painted and decorated it … It’s not for everyone, but there are people in families that are quite capable of doing it themselves,” she says.

The full story is at: https://www.smh.com.au/money/planning-and-budgeting/keeping-control-of-last-rites-20180214-h0w29j.html

Variety is the spice of life and it seems it is becoming the same with death, at least when it comes to locations for conducting the funeral service.

In Where is an appropriate place to hold a funeral? Councils decide as mourners move away from tradition (ABC Central Victoria, 22.2.18) Stephanie Corsetti reports that there are now so many requests for holding funerals in public places like parks and gardens, that local Councils are considering if there needs to be some rules and regulations around this practice.

Some people feel unsettled when they come across a funeral service being held out in the open.  But that’s because the whole business of dying and death has been closeted away for so long that people are not comfortable about it being a part of everyday life, which it is, but for them it isn’t.

Hayley West is an advocate for home funerals and greater family involvement. She notes that two funeral undertakers in the Victorian town of Castlemaine “are really open to talking to families about alternative ways to bury their deceased. ”  Adding that: “There is a really strong movement for home funerals and controlling the funeral yourself. It’s about exchanging the knowledge that I have about what you can do.”

For the full story, visit: http://www.abc.net.au/news/2018-02-22/trend-to-personalised-funerals-headaches-local-councils/9471372

Other trends at international funeral services, such as funeral strippers hired to entertain mourners, have also made headlines, especially in China where the practice has been going on for years.

Live presentations from people who have been there and done that can make for great conversation starters.  If you have a few minutes up your sleeve, these YouTube TEDx talks might be worth a look and perhaps even passing on to others.

First up a 6 minute TEDx 2013 talk: Preparing for a good end of life, with Judy MacDonald Johnston. Planning ahead is a practical thing we can do with the benefit that it leaves more room for peace of mind in our final days. In a solemn, thoughtful talk, Judy MacDonald Johnston shares 5 practices for planning for a good end of life. https://www.ted.com/talks/judy_macdonald_johnston_prepare_for_a_good_end_of_life#t-347881

This talk has had 1.5 million views.  By day, Judy MacDonald Johnston develops children’s reading programs. By night, she helps others maintain their quality of life as they near death. To access the 5 worksheets mentioned in the TEDx talk: The Plan, The Advocates, Hospital Readiness, Caregiving Guidelines, and Last Words, plus the Medical Summary pdf log onto: http://www.goodendoflife.com/worksheets/

Next is a 14 minute TEDx Sydney talk:  We’re Doing Dying All Wrong, with Ken Hillman June 2016,  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gQVC-8WEB7s

As  a world leader in managing the care of very sick people, Ken Hillman’s breakthrough methods of treating critically ill patients have become the gold standard in Australia, the U.S. and Europe. His job is about keeping people alive, but he asks us to question whether that’s always a good thing. Ken Hillman is Professor of Intensive Care at the University of New South Wales. His first book, ‘Vital Signs’, is aimed at the lay public on what really happens in intensive care. His latest book is titled Good Life to the End, on ageing, dying and death. We highly recommend it.

And this one is a beauty that takes just 1 minute 18 seconds:  Practice Makes Perfect – Video, Posted on 11/03/2017 – We know that starting conversations about end-of-life care wishes with your loved ones can be hard – we’re here to help. https://theconversationproject.org/practice-makes-perfect-video/

On a slightly different note, here is an 11 minute presentation to give us a boost. 2.4 million views for this one. Jane Fonda at TEDxWomen 2011: Life’s third act, https://www.ted.com/talks/jane_fonda_life_s_third_act#t-452927

Within this generation, an extra 30 years have been added to our life expectancy – and these years aren’t just a footnote. Jane Fonda asks how we can re-imagine this new phase of our lives. She emphasises Wholeness, Authenticity and Wisdom and how Entropy (the 2^nd Law of Thermodynamics – everything is in a state of decline or decay) has one exception.  It is this, that the human spirit can continue to mature regardless of age providing we continue on what Viktor Frankl (who was a holocaust survivor) describes as Man’s Search for Meaning.  Jane, who turned 80 on 21 December 2017 encourages us all to conduct a life review and to jettison the baggage that holds us back from participating in building a safer more just world.