Die-alogue Cafe

Mention the name death doula and people look somewhat mystified, as if one is talking a foreign language.  As it turns out, there is nothing mysterious about it at all.  On the one hand it turns out to be a special calling for some people who have recognised a need in end-of-life care that the funeral industry cannot meet.  On the other hand it is a reverting back to ages past when every street and village would have been able to call the midwife as it were – in this case a death midwife.

Caroline Baum answers her own question Why are we so afraid of death? (Women’s Weekly, October 2017, page 90) as she talks with three practicing midwives who have made it their business to be available to do what few others feel able to do – walk the dying and their family’s home.

Read the full story at: https://www.pressreader.com/australia/the-australian-womens-weekly/20170907/282312500215706      For more in the same vein these additional posts might come in handy … http://www.nowtolove.com.au/news/latest-news/call-the-death-midwife-1-13622 ; http://www.news.com.au/lifestyle/real-life/news-life/australias-angels-of-death-the-women-changing-how-we-enter-the-afterlife/news-story/6b604035ffb821adf7c0c36683c02c59 ;https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2016/feb/03/death-doulas-women-who-stay-by-your-side-to-the-end

A lot of people today would claim that they are beyond rituals, beyond what they might call superstitious practices to call on the gods to save them from harm or calm their troubled minds in times of stress.  And yet rituals are alive and well in spite of this denial.

We engage in all kinds of rituals everyday of the week – whether it be a particular kind of greeting or farewell; behavior at weddings; codes of practice within clubs and organizations; the opening of parliament; or how we say goodbye at funerals – without so much as a second thought.  More often than not we take many time honoured rituals for granted and loss sight of their history and meaning.

A consequence of this, is that we are left bereft, diminished, with stories that are at best incomplete and at worst stories that get overtaken by empty, modern (without history) interpretations that have no substance to them and no connection with the Universe Story that we are all inextricably entwined in.

The truth of the matter is, as Alison Bone reports (Why rituals are still relevant, SBS 27 June 2017) “Rituals motivate and move us.  Through ritual we build families and community, we make transitions and mark important events in our lives, we express ourselves in joy and sorrow, and perhaps most importantly, we create and sustain identity.”

From early forms of worship around totems and animals to Swedish girls dancing around the maypole on Midsommer’s Eve to ceremonies commemorating the significant days of the year or stages of our lives, we love to be part of the bigger picture that takes us into, and connects us with, the group/s that we identify with – that help sustain our mental, emotional and spiritual well-being.

Daily Messenger, one of Australia’s first civil celebrants and author of Ceremonies and Celebrations, reminds us that we “still need ritual to mark major points in our life … which express and generate love, forge and declare the bond between individuals and establish and identify community.”

Amid all this diversity Messenger says we are failing to pass on some important stories. He believes, “Many young people feel they are on their own, they don’t belong, they are not supported.  The reason? That the community has never told them that they belong – in the serious way known as ceremony.”

Chris Attwood, co-author of Your Hidden Riches: Unleashing the Power of Ritual to Create a Life of Meaning and Purpose, goes as far as to claim that rituals are the key to success. They allow us to “perform at our best when we need to, stay calm when we’re under intense pressure, and create a sense of balance in our lives.”

You only have to look at sports people to see rituals in all their glory.

“From socks to shamrocks to stinger ants, love of God to love of self, private acts of gratitude to communal acts of grandeur, rituals are a fundamental part of what makes us human and have as much relevance today as they ever did,” says Alison Bone.

So when someone says: ‘Let’s honour the life of someone near and dear to us’ – while living or after death – encourage them to do it with all the meaning they can muster.  For it is by this mindful practice that they will be better able to walk the remainder of their life with some sense of peace and calm, knowing that they are a part of the great Universe Story that we live out each day.   For the full story: http://www.sbs.com.au/topics/life/culture/article/2016/06/27/why-rituals-are-still-relevant

The beauty of family rituals is they’re personal, unique, and not necessarily dictated by religion. Friday Night Dinner and Other Family Rituals: http://www.sbs.com.au/topics/life/family/article/2016/03/09/friday-night-dinner-and-other-family-rituals?cid=inbody:why-rituals-are-still-relevant

The idea of having some say over how or when we die has resulted in the development of action plans like Advance Health Care Directives (AHCD) that inform what an Enduring Guardian requests of the medical staff attending to a loved one who can’t speak for themselves.  It covers a range of issues including Do Not Resuscitate (DNR) and Do Not Intubate (DNI).

Taking this idea to the next level and taking into account that: “Eighty percent of terminally ill patients say they want to avoid hospitalisation and intensive care at the end of their lives” it makes you wonder why so many people in reality end up getting something other than their preferred choice.

Ann Brenoff writing in the Huffington Post (Want Control Over Your Death? Consider A ‘Do Not Hospitalise’ Order, 14.07.2017) reports that “hospital stays nevertheless occur – even though they don’t make much difference.”

“Studies have shown that people who received less intense care in the last six months of life did not have a higher mortality rate than people who received more intense care.”

So with all the stress and uncertainty that comes with medical tests and painful intervention as a consequence of hospitalisation, why do so many “wind up blemishing their final days” languishing in a hospital bed hooked up to machines?

Because we can and because we can pass on the cost to the public health system or a health fund. That reads as a statement but that sentence could well start with ‘Is it’ and become a question that we might ponder.  These are  the kinds of questions that exercise the minds of those of us who attend Die-alogue Café discussions.

“Family caregivers sometimes mistakenly think ‘do not hospitalise’ means ‘do not treat’.  But that’s not the case. A DNH order can stipulate that under specific circumstances, like you are bleeding or in extreme pain, you do want to be treated in a hospital.”

AHCD have been encouraged for years and yet most people have not completed one let alone had the conversation with themselves – or family and friends – about their preferences come those ending of days.

Whatever we think, we need to speak about with others.  Whatever we hope for, we need to write down and bring others into the picture.  The goal in all situations is best achieved when it honours people’s wishes and it provides loving care that is appropriate and minimises suffering.  The more choices the better.  The more we talk the more enlightened the conversation will be.

To read the full story: http://www.huffingtonpost.com.au/entry/do-not-hospitalize-orders_us_59666c35e4b0a0c6f1e54ed9

The Swiss love to talk about all manner of things including dying and death. And what better place than a café.  Bernard Crettaz’s café meetings in 2004 didn’t spread much beyond Switzerland and France until Jon Underwood in east London cottoned on to the idea and launched the Death Café website.  It has since morphed into a worldwide program because Jon was able to visualise the potential a safe, friendly place could offer.

Since that first café held by Jon in September 2011 thousands of death cafes have been hosted by people all over the world where people eat cake, drink tea and discuss death. Sadly Jon Underwood suddenly died on June 27 at the age of 44.  The cause was a brain hemorrhage from acute promyelocytic leukemia. It was sudden because the leukemia had not been diagnosed.

Mary Hui, writes (The founder of Death Café has died but his movement to accept our inevitable end will live on, Washington Post, 10.07.2017) “The abruptness of his death came as a huge shock, especially to his closest family. But Underwood’s philosophy of life and death is also a strange source of comfort at this devastating time, said his sister Jools Barsky.”

“Jon was uniquely and unusually aware that life is short and appreciated his life fully, reflecting on this through daily practice,” wrote Donna Molloy, Underwood’s widow.

“He lived every day reflecting very consciously; on the fact that none of us know how long we have …. He would often say ‘well Jools’ you never know, you could be dead tomorrow!”

The core principles of Death Café will continue said Barsky: “… allowing people to talk about death in a safe space with no agenda, alongside tea and food [and] delicious cake.”  Read the full story at: https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/acts-of-faith/wp/2017/07/10/the-founder-of-death-cafe-has-died-but-his-movement-to-accept-the-inevitable-end-of-life-will-live-on/?utm_term=.90ca9d4c1c2f

“He came to learn that the meetings were more about laughter than tears. People often talked less about how to die than how to live,” writes Iliana Magra, (Jon Underwood, Founder of Death Cafe Movement, Dies at 44, New York Times, July 11, 2017)

These were not grief support groups or end-of-life planning sessions, but rather casual forums for people who wanted to bat around philosophical thoughts. What is death like? Why do we fear it? How do our views of death inform the way we live?

“You know you have a certain time left, and then the question is, What is important for me to do in that time?” Mr. Underwood said in a BBC interview in 2014. “That’s different for everyone, so talking about death, for me at least, is the ultimate prioritisation exercise.”    This report can be found at: https://www.nytimes.com/2017/07/11/international-home/jon-underwood-dead-death-cafe-movement.html

It is good to see that the dodgy practices of some providers in the funeral industry are getting some coverage in the mainstream media and in the business pages as well as general news stories.

This report by Caitlin Fitzsimmons (How the funeral industry preys on grieving families, Tenterfield Star, Wednesday June 7, 2017) first appeared in the Money section of the Sydney Morning Herald on June 3^rd.

“Death may be one of the great certainties of life, but there’s nothing compulsory about a funeral.

It’s common to read advice urging you to plan for your own funeral, and when your loved ones die you’re usually told to contact a funeral director.”

“Funerals are big business in Australia. It’s a $1.1 billion industry that thrives on reinforcing social mores about the ‘proper’ way to mourn a death.”

It is well within the capacity of a family and friends to organize and conduct a funeral.  There are many more choices than the funeral industry lets on.  Thousands of dollars could be saved.

“Surely this is an extreme option – a version of a pauper’s funeral?” says Caitlin Fitzsimmons. “Not really. It was good enough for David Bowie. When Bowie died, there was no elaborate funeral service. Instead, in accordance with his wishes, he had “direct cremation”, where the body is sent directly from home or hospital, and the cremators either scatter or return the ashes to the family.”

If families so choose they can follow this simple process by organising a memorial service or a wake separately.

It pays in more ways than money to shop around.  The trick is not to wait until a death occurs but to invest just a few hours of time now. The making of just 3 or 4 phone calls could unearth some worthwhile price differences and result in very much improved decision-making, when the time does come to put a funeral together. After all it is an important event and deserves careful consideration without the pressure of time constraints and hard sales pitches from funeral ‘grief counsellors’.

This story is well worth reading, at: http://www.tenterfieldstar.com.au/story/4706204/how-the-funeral-industry-preys-on-grieving-families/

It is Palliative Care Week in Australia – a time to pause and reflect on the significant contribution made by those who care for the sick and dying in our families and the community.

There was a time in our not too distant past when we talked about these things as part of our everyday conversations.  Some cultures still do, but not us white westerners, we tend to shy away from such subjects telling ourselves that we would prefer to defer such talk for a later date.  And then when we do get around to having the conversation we prefer to gloss over the realities by using words that suggest something other than the true facts of the matter.

In a recent online course, Dying2Learn, conducted by Flinders University in Adelaide it was apparent that people struggle with coming out with the words death and dead.  The organisers have posted the findings of research under the title: Passed away, kicked the bucket, pushing up daisies – the many ways we don’t talk about death.

“Whereas once, we were more comfortable talking about death, now we have become creative in avoiding talking about it. We resort to euphemisms (alternative words that are softer or less direct) to soften the blow.

For instance, we talk about people “passing” or “gone” rather than they’ve died or are dead, just two examples from a rich history and range of euphemisms we discovered in our research,” said Deb Rawlings, Lecturer in Palliative Care, Flinders University.

The most common we hear include: “wrong side of the grass”, “taking a dirt nap”, “worm food”, “cashed in their chips” and “staring at the lid”. But the most widely used euphemism was “gone”. Variants of “passed” were also very popular, like “passed away”, “passed over” and “passed on”.

One common Australianism is “carked it” (also spelled “karked it”), a phrase that confuses folks from other countries.

Read the full story at: https://theconversation.com/passed-away-kicked-the-bucket-pushing-up-daisies-the-many-ways-we-dont-talk-about-death-77085

Every day of our lives, we are provided with yet another opportunity to learn a little more about life from another of perspectives. This is one of those days.

In What we can learn from the dead, Alan Stokes (Sydney Morning Herald, May 16, 2017) challenges us to see a funeral as a learning experience.

Stokes observes that “ …. farewelling a loved one is a most wonderful thing; an essential ingredient for a good life … it is a practice ground for becoming a better person.”

“By the age of 25, the average person will have lost maybe a few aunts and uncles, perhaps a pop too. By 35, maybe nan’s gone as well … by 45, probably dad. By 55, it’s mum and even a sibling.

“Of course, everyone loses strangers more often. For instance, we have a choice when we lose someone such as the much-revered ABC journalist Mark Colvin: to feel defeated or to learn from the dead how to live a good life.

While many people see funerals as events to avoid, Alan Stokes suggests a very different perspective: “Every funeral is an opportunity to reflect on what makes time well spent. Is it earning more money only to die as a rich self-centred success? Or is it better to take chances in the hope of being remembered as someone who had a go at making the world a better place, even if only one person at a time? Or can you achieve a mix of the two?”

“But here’s an idea: go along to a funeral and listen to what a loved one achieved, against all odds; what an impact he or she had on people; how in many ways only in death can we see what it means to have made a meaningful attempt at using our scarce time here to everyone’s benefit.”

For the full story go to the SMH website: http://www.smh.com.au/comment/what-we-can-learn-from-the-dead-20170516-gw5w4l.html

It might sound a bit odd, but I have mixed feelings about Mother’s Day.

The modern holiday of Mother’s Day was first celebrated in 1908, when Anna Jarvis held a memorial for her mother at St Andrew’s Methodist Church in Grafton, West Virginia. … Anna Jarvis was a peace activist.  By the early 1920s, Hallmark Cards and other companies had started selling Mother’s Day cards.  It has now become a billion-dollar industry in its own right.  Anna Jarvis was outraged at the extravagance and spent the rest of her life campaigning against the commercialisation of Mother’s Day, dying penniless and in a state of dementia in a sanatorium in 1948.

There is so much hype and hoo hah about how we should spare a thought backed up with lavis gift giving to demonstrate that we love our mothers.

While all this is going on, the very substance of our being – the constituent parts that make up our whole – is being traded at the check-out as a celebration of this affection.

My mother has long gone.  She died many years ago. She was and still is a treasured person in my life.  She was the one who taught me what it means to be frugal and careful with nature’s gifts. To not take them for granted.

It was the simple things in life that she appreciated and so on Mother’s Day she would say: No gifts wrapped in pretty paper, better that you clean my shoes, or cook lunch for the family, or chop the wood for the fire, or help churn a fresh batch of butter or help make some home made ice-cream, wash and dry up the dishes (you get the drift).

It was due to my mother that I have such a love of books and learning; and a love of music.  We would gather around the piano on a Sunday night and sing as she played, most often reading the music printed on the manuscript, other times by ear – we would only have to hum a tune and she would pick it up and turn it into song.

On this day, as we remember our human mothers let us spare a thought for our earth mother – of which we all share but one – without whom none of our lives would exist, none of the delicious meals served up today would be possible, no water bottles in the fridge or in the backyard pool or the oceans, no forests breathing fresh air to breath, no raw materials for our clothes or houses or cars or electronic gadgets – be they in the kitchen or laundry or lounge room.  As Herman Daly says, the economy is a wholly owned subsidiary of the ecology.

As we give to our human mothers by taking from the earth the question is: what do give back? In many cases it will be throw back – the packaging – and throw out – the old model.

What a sad commentary on the Anna Jarvis dream.

For those of us who have not succumbed to the commercialise, happy mother’s day.  We are indebted to each of you.  We cherish the gift of life you have given us.  Our challenge now is not to betray the trust you have placed in us, to tread gently and pass on the gifts you have given so generously – the gifts of story, music, hugs and smiles, encouragement and reassurance, self discipline and frugality, just being there – for those of us living and for those yet unborn.

Here is a post from ABC News with a little history: http://www.abc.net.au/news/2017-05-13/history-of-mothers-day-from-civil-war-to-family-reunions/8517898

For a young person take on this read: http://www.voicesofyouth.org/en/posts/happy-earth-day

And for a blog post read this: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/jamie-lee-curtis/happy-mother-earth-day_b_5191612.html

And for a view of the earth, watch this: http://www.natureworldnews.com/articles/37539/20170423/happy-earth-day-2017-un-calls-for-environmental-and-climate-literacy-to-save-mother-earth.htm

There are two sides to this story.

On the one hand there are many ways to remember someone who has died by making or crafting something that perhaps was significant to them or something that we can remember them by.

On the other hand there can be many ways for us to prepare for that final journey, this time by crafting something that will serve a twofold purpose – firstly for display at a funeral ceremony – perhaps as a drape or throw over a coffin or casket and after the event to be retained as a keep sake or memory item for the family, to perhaps be shared or passed on across the generations like a totem stick that is passed down the family tree.

For those who love working with fabric it could be that a memory throw or quilt would act as a memorial to the life lived. There are lots of options.  Some of their favourite clothing or other item could be upcycled to create a special quilt to remember them by.

Or as previously mentioned the quilt could be made in anticipation of our ending of days.  The beauty of the quilt is that the squares when combined can tell a story that can be expanded over time and its contents express a range of themes and ideas.

If you are this way inclined, an opportunity is coming to town, as they say.  As with most projects there are lots of variations on a theme.  Many people think that quilting is complicated and therefore not for them – but for a different take on the easiest quilting process, it might be time to head this way.

This quilting process is minimal but effective. Only using 3 layers of fabrics!  Second hand clothes from the op shops OR old baby clothes to remember when the adult-kiddies were just little tikes – ones imagination is the only limitation.

The workshop runs for 4 weeks – 10th May to 31st May every Wednesday morning 10am – 1pm at Art Mania Studio, Council St, Wallsend.  For more go to: www.artmaniastudio.com.au   or call  4955 0509

We are told that the news reports, be they the hourly radio news bulletin, the nightly television news hour or the newspaper reports are simply reflecting the realities of our daily lives.

Well we reckon otherwise. All the stories about violence on the streets and carnage on the roads and conflicts between warring factions in the Middle East and horrible goings on with the ‘rich and famous’ and slanging across the floor of parliament are not accurate reflections of how we behave in our households and thousands of other households across Australia and the world.

We say that this is not how we live and we choose to not be distracted by all the horrible goings on that fill the 24 hour news cycle. We are not turning a blind eye to these issues, we are simply saying that there is much more to life than this race to reinforce the lowest common denominator.  Affirming the good and positive aspects of the human spirit is much more deserving of our time and mental energy.

A bloke who is working to make the world a better place is Matt Wicking (Musician Matt Wicking is using his education to foster progressive and ‘important conversations’ , Good Weekend magazine, SMH , April 15 2017). Reporter Konrad Marshall tells readers that Matt is a musician with a mission to communicate in a way that crosses boundaries of ethnicity, beliefs and political allegiance, the young and not so young – anyone who seeks to dig a little deeper into the meaning of life.

Matt Wicking is looking for the common ground and having great success, if the Future Makers Fellowship is any guide.  When ideas hit fertile ground you never know where they might lead and today we acknowledge other ways of being: Joining the Dots and The Welcome Dinner Project; The Weekly Service and others.   To find out more visit:  http://www.csl.org.au/programs/fellowship-program/ ; https://www.joiningthedots.org/ ; https://www.joiningthedots.org/the-welcome-dinner-project ; http://www.theweeklyservice.org/ .  And for more ideas from around the world visit:  http://futuresfoundation.org.au/    Take heart. Be inspired.