Die-alogue Cafe

When you become fascinated by a particular subject of human endeavour, there is always another take on what might seem like a subject that’s been done to death. How many books can we read about dying and death and associated subjects, before running out of new material to talk and write about?

It’s a rhetorical question that comes with it’s own answer – there’s always a new angle and in this case that new angle comes from young minds.

Death we might think is for the aging and elderly, but not so. We only have to look at Caitlin Doughty – figuratively speaking – and we find that she has been curious about the subject most of her life, to the point of working in this field and now writing about it, with three books under her belt.

In Will My Cat Eat My Eyeballs? with a sub-title Big Questions from Tiny Mortals About Death, there are a couple of short stories we’d like to share. Of all those mentioned these grabbed our attention, but we could reference many others.

In the chapter, What happens if they make a mistake and bury me when I’m just in a coma, Caitlin writes that:

During Ye Olden Times, doctors had a less than flawless track record when it comes to declaring people dead. The tests were horrifying. Here’s a sample of the death tests:

Shoving needles under the toenails, or into the heart or stomach; Slicing the feet with knives or burning them with red-hot pokers; Burning the hand or chopping off a finger – these three will suffice, to illustrate what Caitlin is driving at … but now let’s look at one example that didn’t involve these gruesome practices.

Matthew Wall, a man living in Braughing, England, in the 16th century, was thought to be dead, but was lucky enough to have his pall-bearers slip in wet leaves and drop the coffin on the way to his burial. As the story goes, when the coffin was dropped, Matthew awakened and knocked on the lid to be released. To this day, every October 2nd is celebrated as Old Man’s Day to commemorate Matthew’s revival. He lived, by the way, for twenty-four more years. T’was a happy ending for Matthew!

And in What happens when a cemetery is full of bodies and you can’t add any more? we find that the issue of gobbling up more land for burial purposes is being confronted by authorities all over the world. Australia is not the only country where we are running out of room in our cities. But this is not such an obstacle in other countries, that have been prepared to think outside the box.

If we agree that ‘we don’t have any extra green fields lying around for dead people’ then what about expanding … up? That’s right, notes Caitlin, cemeteries are going vertical. After all, city dwellers live in skyscrapers and apartments, stacked on top of one another. But when we die, everyone is supposed to be buried spread apart on hundreds of acres of rolling land?

The Yarkon Cemetery in Israel has started adding burial towers that will ultimately hold 250,000 graves. At the moment, the world’s tallest cemetery is in Brazil. Memorial Necropole Ecumenica III contains thirty-two stories of graves, and also has a restaurant, concert hall, and gardens filled with exotic birds. When I was in Tokyo, Japan, I visited a multistory building that houses thousands of cremated remains (delivered to personal visiting rooms by automatic conveyors that locate and fetch the correct urn). It looks like a typical office building, blending into the city around it, and is located right off the sub-way for convenience. There are more vertical cemeteries planned for places as diverse as Paris, Mexico City and Mumbai.

Writes Caitlin: ‘Why do we pay for something called “perpetual care”, believing that the cemetery is going to take care of our grave forevvvvvver?’

In Singapore you can only be buried for fifteen years, after which, the grave site is dug up, the body cremated and stored in a columbarium.

If you are willing to walk away from burial altogether, alkaline hydrolysis is an excellent option (as is composting per the Recompose method). I the case of cremation, we end up with a couple of kilos of ‘ashes’ – crushed bones – which can be scattered or placed on the mantel shelf. But if it’s burial you desire, perhaps it’s time to join the rest of the world and – gasp – recycle our graves. Once Grandma has had her time to decompose, her bones need to step aside for a whole new generation of rotting corpses. I wonder if anyone has ever written that exact sentence before? I wonder that a lot, says Caitlin – page 142.

There endeth this delving into a couple of things we haven’t talked about at Die-alogue Cafe. Which goes to show, there’s no lack of topics to get our minds around, there’s always something we can turn our attention to when we’re open and honest.

To put an end to this conversation, we can conclude that: there’s never a dull moment – we aren’t done with death yet, at least not while we have curious people like Caitlin turning up on the scene, bringing new eyes to an age old human experience.

It is still common to hear people say just bury me under the lemon tree in the backyard. Trouble is it’s not going to happen. It’s at best wishful thinking.

It is possible with a good deal of planning to perhaps bury someone and have a tree planted in their honour, either at the burial site or some other place as a memorial.

Cynthia Beal who runs the Natural Burial Company has written a post on her website titled: “Be a Tree: The Natural Burial Guide for Turning Yourself into a Forest”.

We’ve included a brief overview by extracting these headings:

Dying to Do the Right Thing
Driving the Change: Land Stewardship, Home Funeral Services, and “Green” Grave Goods
New product companies fill real needs with style
When it’s Time to Leave no Trace
Minimize Impacts, Plan, and Respect
Should We be Burying this Stuff?
Natural Burial: The Traditional Alternative
Preserve, Disappear, or Reintegrate
Preservation: It’s Not All it’s Cracked Up to Be
Disappear: To Burn or Not to Burn
Reintegration: Making the Case for a Biological Return
All We Leave is Energy
What You Need for a Natural Burial
What’s in the Box (Besides You)
The Healer’s Maxim: “First, Do No Harm”
Natural Burial Grounds Come in All Shapes and Sizes
The Ultimate Back-to-the-Land Movement
Soil: The Living Web
The Home Funeral Movement: Genesis of Natural Burial

We are big fans of the idea that talking can be a great way of thought sorting, so it’s good to be able to report that there is a radio show that focuses on talking about death as if it was a natural part of life – which we believe it is. To think otherwise is to engage in denial of what has a 100 per cent success rate when it comes to beating the odds that we will die regardless of how we pretend it won’t happen – even if we apply every bit of technology to prolong life that we can throw at it. At which point it becomes questionable that the extra quantity, number of years, is worth the quality, hooked up to machines and living in a comatose state.

Hayley West is the creator and presenter of the Dead Air radio show that is broadcast weekly on Monday from 10am-11am on 94.9 Main FM, in Victoria, Australia. Dead air for those working in the broadcast industry is a no-no indicating that there is no sound, only silence, and it is frowned upon by radio bosses who like to fill up every second of every hour with some kind of audio, be it music or the spoken word or other what is known as sound grab. But Dead Air might seem like a play on words, but in fact it is serious attempt at celebrating what it means to pay attention to this important aspect of our lives.

Here is the blurb on the home page:
Dead Air is a socially engaged artwork for the airwaves. Your host, Hayley West, aims to empower the community by sharing practical knowledge about death and dying, and everything else in between. Talking about death is not going to kill you.

And three of nine questions to get us thinking:
What are the environmentally friendly ways of body disposal? Who died on this day and was their eulogy up to scratch? Can we talk about Heidegger’s concept of Dasein?

To quickly answer to the last question: Dasein is Heidegger’s way of referring both to the human being and to the type of Being that humans have. Its essence lies in its existence. It can respond to its circumstances, thereby choosing its ‘Being’. ‘Dasein’ is about the human being and its place in the world.

We need more of these conversations, so we are pleased to be able to spread the word about this creative initiative in the interests of building our death literacy skills and demystifying what for many is a no-go taboo subject to be avoided till death do us part.

EVERYTHING IS A KIND OF DYING

Ryan Holiday, moderator of The Daily Stoic, writes that:

It may seem dark to think about it this way, but it is true. We are constantly dying—dying every day, as Seneca said. Life is a one-way street. Time marches in only one direction. Things are always ending, always coming to a close, or getting closer to one.

Marcus Aurelius knew this, but he didn’t let it get him down. In fact, he found some reassurance in it. “When we cease from activity, or follow a thought to its conclusion,” he observed, “it is a kind of death.” But this doesn’t harm us, he pointed out. In fact, we look forward to many of these cessations and conclusions. “Think about your life,” he said, “childhood, boyhood, youth, old age. Every transformation a kind of dying. Was that so terrible?”

Of course not. It’s just how life is. From one end comes another beginning, nothing lasts forever—nor would we want it otherwise. Instead, we have to accept change, if not embrace it. We have to accept that none of us maintain anything or any form forever. Instead, we are transitioning, always—some quickly, some more slowly.

Everything is tinged with a kind of dying. Everything is a phase, including the life we’re lucky enough to live right now.

There is a small but steady call for more choice when it comes to how we handle the human body after death.

For anyone who has lived a life caring for trees, taking care not to waste water or toss plastic bottles in the bin or reduce their reliance on private car travel – advocating for more public transport options – tending their own edible garden, not participating in fast fashion and generally being mindful about their impact on Mother Earth, it’s a logical next step to think about how we do disposal of our mortal remains.

This story by Amelia Searson and Samantha Goerling: What is human composting and should it be legalised? These green-minded souls say yes (ABC South West WA, 27 Apr 2024) delves into some of the thinking around green options, including conservation burial and composting. Not yet offered in Australia, these ideas are getting aired and submissions being written in support of more choice.

Prominent among these people is ‘Bunbury resident Julieanne Hilbers wants the state government to legalise human composting.’

‘ … she thinks about her body being transformed into soil after she dies.

“The reality of life is 100 per cent of us are going to die,” she says.  “For me, a good death would be one that gives back to the earth.”

Dr Hilbers spends much of her life with her hands in the dirt, planting native shrubs and flowers at her two properties in Western Australia’s South West region. She is not keen on the idea of a traditional burial or being cremated and has her eye on a greener method that is not yet legal in Australia.

Jim Underwood is another person advocating for change.

Having worked in marine and land conservation, the environment has been a central focus in his life.

“I’ve always liked the idea of the nutrients and the leftover energy in my body being taken up by plants and put back into oxygen into the world that we breathe,” Mr Underwood says. “This conservation burial could be a way that really brings that forth.”

Read the full story at What is human composting?

Entry or perhaps Re-Entry marks our beginnings …

At our beginning of days, we are launched from earth into orbit on the surface for a lifetime of experience and expression of our human nature.

At our ending of days we re-enter from our space journey into an earthly home – returned to earth or the atmosphere or returned to the soil.

With the ending comes Re-configuration. Since our constituent parts are comprised of cosmic dust in the form of carbon and other substances genetically configured as a human being, it figures that we are re-configurations of previous circulating material – since nothing is created or destroyed, but rather cycles around in various forms.

Our transformation from one aspect of nature to another is a work of wonder, a crafting of which it is hard to comprehend.

As a means of explaining or visualising the cyclical nature of our pre-conscious consciousness and post conscious consciousness existence, the re-configuration analogy is the best example we can come up with. At least for our physical body parts.

Our consciousness could be considered to carry on as memories in the minds of those left standing to carry on, until they to, become part of the great re-configuration.

This is a story that was broadcast Thu 7 Mar 2024 on ABC Radio Conversations.

A few years ago, Pauline McGrath came home from work and found the lights on and the dog already fed. This was something which had never happened in her 30-year marriage to David, a director of paediatric medicine at Queensland Children’s Hospital. Straight away, Pauline asked David, “Who has died?”

Her beloved husband told her he had a brain tumour, and that voluntary assisted dying was going to be an option for Queenslanders in six months.

This moment began a heartbreaking but ultimately empowering path for David, Pauline and their family.

David’s wish was for Pauline to speak openly about their family experience. So that’s what she’s been doing while grieving her husband, supporting her two daughters, and embarking on the next chapter of her own life.

Listen to Death with Love and Dignity at this link.

Content warning: this episode of Conversations contains discussion of death and dying.

Help and support is always available. Call Lifeline on 131114 – they are available 24 hours a day. Credits

• Carmel Rooney, Executive Producer, Nicola Harrison, Producer, Sarah Kanowski, Presenter

There are plenty of people promoting plenty of ways to stay healthy right the way through life, so this will come as no surprise to anyone who has paid attention to what it means to stay healthy to the end, or live a good life to the very end, as Ken Hillman, author of A Good Life to the End says from a lifetime of experience and work in the intensive care sector of the health system.

Embracing retirement boils down to staying connected, staying active, eating wisely, prioritizing rest, and living with purpose, writes Mal James in: People who stay mentally sharp in their retirement usually adopt these 5 daily habits (Hack Spirit, March 27, 2024). Let’s get to it.

1) They prioritize social interaction: This is such a huge one. Social interactions are key to keeping our minds sharp.

2) They are active as part of their routine: This one is hardly a surprise. Engaging in regular physical activity is not just good for the body; it’s a game-changer for the mind, too.

For instance, did you know that a brisk 15-minute run or an hour-long walk can reduce the risk of major depression by 26%? Well, that’s what the research says.

Staying active also keeps our minds sharp, boosts our self-esteem, and builds resilience. I could write a full article on this, but I think we are all aware that exercise is good for us not only physically but also mentally.

What about Blue Zones? In these places, being active is second nature. But here’s the twist – folks in these regions don’t hit the gym with a workout plan.

In these places, being active is second nature. But here’s the twist – folks in these regions don’t hit the gym with a workout plan.

As noted by Healthline, in these areas, people “ don’t exercise purposefully by going to the gym. Instead, it is built into their daily lives through gardening, walking, cooking and other daily chores.”

A study of the men in Sardinia’s Blue Zone attributed their longevity to their active lifestyles, which included raising farm animals, navigating the mountainous terrain of their homes, and trekking longer distances to their workplaces.

And here’s a fascinating nugget from the bestseller Ikigai: The Japanese Secret to a Long and Happy Life by Hector Garcia: Nearly all centenarians (those remarkable folks who’ve hit the 100-year mark) maintain a garden.

Take up gardening, opt for walks in nature, or even make daily chores a part of our exercise regime. The key is to integrate movement into our routine in a way that feels natural and enjoyable.

3) They eat healthily: We’ve all rolled our eyes at the saying, “My body is a temple,” but cliché as it may sound, it’s spot-on. What we eat matters immensely.

Adopting mindful eating habits, coupled with a diet rich in natural, nutrient-dense foods, could significantly enhance your health and cognitive function in the years to come.

4) They make sure to get enough quality sleep: This one should be a no-brainer. Sleep is foundational for everyone, regardless of age, to maintain both physical and mental health.

5) They pursue a purpose: Picture this – the day of retirement finally arrives, and while it’s a milestone for many, it also brings with it an unexpected guest—a loss of purpose.

When we go from spending most of our waking hours at an office to having most, if not all, of our days free, it can be a shock to the system. So what’s the solution? Well, it’s often noted that individuals who maintain their sharpness and live longer don’t really “retire” in the conventional sense. This concept is closely tied to ‘Ikigai,’ a Japanese philosophy that embodies living with a purpose or a reason for being.

Interestingly, the Japanese language doesn’t even have a word that directly translates to “retire” in the context of permanently exiting the workforce. Of course,  continuing to live with purpose doesn’t mean sticking to the grind of a 9-to-5 job. It’s about engaging in activities that fulfill you.

Take, for example, the practice of gardening. Earlier, I touched on how ‘Ikigai,’ as explored by Hector Garcia in his book on the Blue Zones, found that nearly all centenarians—those who live to or beyond 100 years old—tend to their gardens.

Gardening, in this sense, isn’t just about physical activity; it’s a nurturing practice that provides a deep sense of accomplishment and connection to life, embodying the essence of having a purpose. For you, it could be something else: volunteering, running a club, helping out your community, or even writing a book. The options are endless. 

Adopt these habits, and you might just find yourself in a vibrant new chapter filled with growth, joy, and longevity.

The good people at the Groundswell Project would like to reiterate what could be a life changing and wonderfully refreshing act of kindness. About a subject we often prefer to turn away from, but one, that when engaged with, can be a blessing to everyone who ends up sharing in it.

We believe that end-of-life conversations are best done WAY BEFORE Emergency.

We advocate for pretty much any other place.  Lounge rooms.  Over dinner tables.  During long walks. Over soup.  With tea and cake. Your choice.

Nothing could be simpler and yet for many this is still too hard. Wait for an opportunity that presents itself, and don’t balk when it comes. Be patient but not so patient that it becomes putting off.

Putting off having our affairs sorted from the time we leave home and go out into the big wide world is something that is thought to be a bit over the top. As if anything untoward would happen to us before we reached old age. Live it up. There’s plenty of time to deal with these, well, incidental issues later. Or is there. There are far too many stories of people dying well before old age for us to ignore posting some stories about them. This is one worth passing on, no pun intended. Read the full story at the ABC News highlighted link.

Widowed at 38, Michelle Moriarty knows about grief and what to say to someone who has lost a loved one. National Regional Reporter Eliza Borrello, (ABC News, 17 Mar 2023), writes that: At just 42, Michelle Moriarty has learnt a lot about grief.

In 2018, she became a widow when her partner, 39-year-old Nathan Johnston, died suddenly.

“Nathan and I had our whole lives ahead of us and I had a two-year-old and a six-year-old and we were very excited about life and life changed … every aspect of our life changed that night,” she said.

Looking for others who shared a similar experience, Michelle — who lives in Bunbury, two hours south of Perth — set up a young widow’s Facebook group.

“Despite having so much support from family, friends and my community, I still felt really isolated in my grief,” she said.

“The main benefit for me, in the early days particularly, was just that sense of ‘I’m not alone in this; it’s not just me that this has happened to.'”

The group now has more than 300 members.

“[It helped] being able to connect with others emotionally and support each other with the issues we had to face, because there are a lot of unexpected processes and tasks, some are formal, some are informal … after the death of a loved one,” Michelle said.

Last year Michelle’s father died unexpectedly too. So she set up another Facebook group, this time for widows over 55.

“[It] was something I felt was important, as my mother was now widowed, similarly to me,” she said.

What to say to someone who has lost a loved one. Michelle is now using her skills as a social worker to offer grief counselling. She has also set up The Grief Language Project, promoting grief education and helpful things to say to people who’ve lost a loved one.