When it comes to the end of a loved ones life, it can be helpful to know what the tell-tale signs are, so that we aren’t left floundering as to what’s normal and allowed to take it’s natural course, and what’s not. Noting the experiences of those who have been down this path before can help us be prepared and lessen taking knee jerk actions that are not in the best interests of the person dying.

‘It can be really frightening’: knowing the common signs that a loved one is dying can help in their final days, reports Lydia Hales, The Guardian, 16 February, 2025. The opening section is included here for our collective benefit – to be forewarned is to be forearmed.

Consistent with many previous posts on Die-alogue Cafe, preparation allows us to be better able to mitigate problems and be in a better frame of mind than being in a state of not-knowing – more in control of our emotions. This means we are better able to be of help and assistance to the dying person along with family and friends. Writes Lydia:

Death is confronting, heartbreaking and unpredictable – information and open discussions can make a difficult experience more meaningful

When I walked out of the hospital, where I had spent the last several days and nights curled on a small couch next to her bed, I felt like a stray root of some ancient tree that had accidentally broken out of the earth and into foreign air – wholly unprepared for the strange world I now found myself in.

I thought that when she died, maybe the sun would have fallen out of the sky. But it was still bright, golden – as vibrant as my mum had been. On the drive home along the Tasmanian coastline Mum had loved so much, the sea spread out to the horizon in rolls of brilliant emerald.

Being with her in the months, days and hours up to her death from cancer was the hardest thing I have ever done. It also felt like the most important.

And there was one piece of information that allowed us to recognise what was happening at a crucial moment: a sign that death was close.

This information was imparted by a nurse whose name I don’t know. She pulled us aside in the hospital corridor when it suddenly became apparent they wouldn’t be sending Mum home with a dose of antibiotics like the times before.

The nurse asked if we knew there are often changes to someone’s breathing shortly before death: alternations between periods of shallow breathing, deeper rapid breaths and sometimes substantial pauses known as Cheyne-Stokes breathing.

This meant that several days later, when her breathing did exactly this, rather than calling for a nurse to ask what was happening, my dad, brother, sister-in-law and I spoke to Mum as she died.

It meant Mum died hearing the voices of her family telling her how much we loved her; she died being held.

And further more ..

Ken Hillman, professor of intensive care at the University of New South Wales and director of the Simpson Centre for health services research, says “becoming weaker, not moving around as much, drifting in and out of consciousness” are all common.

As is delirium, which may range from confusion, drowsiness and delusions, to hallucinations, euphoria and agitation.

Hillman says the medicalisation of death – while alleviating a lot of suffering – can mean social and spiritual aspects are forgotten.

“We live in a death-denying society,” Hillman says, noting that since doctors are “programmed to cure people” even they can struggle to step back and recognise that someone is dying.

The full story is HERE